Wednesday, 21 December 2016

Rising ball pit levels will engulf coastal cities by 2026

Iconic bastions of progressive ideology, New York and San Francisco, could soon be submerged beneath six-metres of multi-coloured spheroids if steps are not taken to address rising ball pit levels.

The stark warning was issued by scientists who have expressed alarm at the unprecedented increase in over-flowing ball pits, caused by meltdowns among those in the social justice community.

Marcus Dove of the Sagres Institute said:

“Social justice warriors, claiming to have developed PTSD after encountering somebody with a differing opinion to their own, are amassing in ball pits in record numbers. They regard these children's play areas as safe spaces where they can confidently bury their heads. However their collective mass is causing extraordinary displacement of the spheroids that is leading to significant flooding and chaos in the wider environment. If we do not turn around this trend then major urban centres will be engulfed within the next decade.

“The high levels of salt exuded by these individuals has effectively rendered many of the ball pits hostile to other forms of life. A number of children who formerly played in these areas have been hospitalised with suspected sodium overdoses.

“Digging deeper and deeper ball pits is a short term solution to this problem, which can only be sensibly addressed by asking those within the social justice community to avoid conflating criticism with harassment and melting down at the slightest provocation.

“On a personal level, I would like to request that these individuals hector and harass their idealogical opposites using their indoor voices.”

The recommendations have been greeted with outage by progressives with many, claiming to have been triggered, converging on ball pits, leading to flash floods in downtown areas across America.

Progressive campaigner, Theresa Nevis, said:

“I am at home, stark-naked in the ball pits of Barney's Box Fort children's softplay warehouse in Trenton, NJ, among the brightly-coloured, asexual, plastic spheres. It's like being massaged by Skittles, which are my favourite sweets. I will not leave.”

In a separate report, scientists have also warned that peak Play-doh has likely been reached, citing the high demand for the material from social progressives as a stress relief tool and means of avoiding confrontation with hard realities.

“In the future we may have to look to other materials to ice fake cupcakes and create wacky hairstyles on plastic, colander-headed figurines,” said James Spenlow, Professor of Plasticine Studies at the University of Missouri.

Responding to the crisis, U.S. President and self-styled God-Emperor, Donald Trump, announced on Tuesday his plans to drain the nation's ball pits into the Grand Canyon, and to deport any of the balls made outside of the United States back to their countries of origin. In a speech given to a Delaware chapter of the Daughters of the American Revolution, he stated:

“The empty pits will be transformed into colosseums where warriors from across the 50 states will battle to earn my favourable responses on Twitter.”

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