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In the sight of the board of trustees Dr Harry Stemmle prepares to
shoot a platelet off the head of his 9
year old colleague – Dr
Richard Mast.
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A
history of the pathology lab at Southend hospital
The current incarnation of the lab was
established by Royal appointment in 1517 making it, to this day, one
of the newest pathology departments in the United Kingdom. It was
initially used by King Henry VIII to test the blood of his subjects
for signs of treachery.
In this modern era it is unthinkable –
repugnant even - that any provincial hospital would carry out
investigations to objectively gauge the treacherous disposition of a
patient. Samples requiring this test are instead dispatched by
courier to a special laboratory in London where they are analysed by
trained Beefeaters who have taken a blood oath to protect the
Monarch.
~
The
department is haunted by the ghost of an older pathology lab dating
from Roman times. At the stroke of midnight the Roman lab briefly
superimposes itself over its successor, filling the space with the
sights and sounds of marching centurions, gladiatorial games, and the
voices of Cicero and Julius Caesar.
“The
Romans put their analysers in different places so it's very easy to
get confused,” says Edna Pathologist, whose family has worked in
the lab for over 400 years. “That's why we generally take a break
around the witching hour, although sometimes we do allow school
parties who are studying Roman history to come in and talk to some of
the ghosts."
An
attempt to exorcise the Roman lab in 2011 led to it re materialising
in the front room of a bungalow opposite the hospital. The exorcism
paperwork has since been revoked by the council and the lab has
returned to its previous location.
~
The wainscotting in the biochemistry
lab was added by the estate of Sir Robert Morgan in 1997, this being
stipulated in his last will and testament, with appropriate funding
for the project being made available by his executors. Although to a
layman the wooden panelling appears to be aged mahogany, it is, in
fact, sticky-backed plastic with a faux wooden veneer. Closer
inspection will reveal sections where the strips have been laid
unevenly resulting in wrinkling or a mismatch in the pattern.
~
A herd of roe deer roam the
microbiology lab. These timid animals are rarely sighted and, for the
most part, will confine themselves to the depopulated area near to
where the cupboards are.
A hospital gamekeeper culls sick and
elderly animals. In the future there are plans to re-introduce wolves
to the area as a natural method of population control.
Every November 1st the
hospital makes a
symbolic gift of an adult deer to the Chief
Executive who ceremonially pardons the animal and releases it into
the car park, near the Carlingford
Centre.
Southend is the only hospital in the UK
with a trauma centre dedicated to the treatment of antler injuries.
~
In 1771, consultant haematologist - Dr
Harry Stemmle – became the first person to unsuccessfully shoot a
single platelet off the head of a fellow consultant, using a bow and
arrow.
~
The Anti-Coag Department is located within a small pocket parallel
universe where blue objects appear slightly bluer than in our own
world. To compensate for this pan-dimensional quirk in the colour
palette, staff wear special contact lenses.
~
(Right click on pic and 'view image' to enlarge text)
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