Shoe Zone bids for University Status

Shoe Zone recently got rather butt-hurt on Twitter after being called-out on their dubious unpaid apprenticeship scheme. The following should be regarded as satire. The reality as black comedy.

Shoe Zone bids for University Status

School leavers who have been excluded from higher education by eye-watering course fees have an unlikely new champion on their local High Street! Footwear retailer Shoe Zone now offers an eight-week unpaid work experience/apprenticeship scheme to those wishing to build on their knowledge of maths and English.

A spokesperson for Shoe Zone said:

“Spreading the course over two months allows us to venture far beyond the normal classes in basic adding and subtraction offered by half-day apprenticeships. Currently our lessons touch on algebraic field theory, Dirichlet's unit theorem and Kirby calculus, specifically how they relate to the sale of shoes in our provincial retail outlets, up-and-down the United Kingdom.

He added that English-language skills also featured highly on the intensive curriculum:

“Our students require finely-honed communication skills in order to pass on their understanding of how our shoes function to our customers, who may lack the same grasp of advanced mathematical concepts.”

Reading material for the apprenticeship includes the old English text of Beowulf and the selected animal poetry of Ted Hughes:

“We encourage our students to break the fundamental rules of grammar and syntax in the hope of uncovering deeper ontological truths about our range of competitively-priced, quality footwear,” said another Shoe Zone spokesperson.

They continued:

“Research carried out by Shoe Zone's statistics team shows that in 2013, 70% of the UK's top mathematicians were successful graduates from our course. While some choose to work in other fields, many of our former apprentices decide to stay on and continue their research in branches of Shoe Zone".